Archive of a Breast Cancer Survivor
07.12.05
Can’t Explain the Feeling
There’s something about feeling frozen, metaphorically speaking, where
the mind wants to communicate but the body doesn’t move. And I’ve
been wanting to communicate lately, the weaving of words and images, to explain
why I’ve been away, feeling frozen. It’s not like I’m depressed.
I’m
not. Rather I feel a pool of something, gossamer over water—and I am
suspended. Time moves on but the desire to document my uneasiness has not been
favorable. How does one capture that empty spot where one can put their finger
within but not describe it? I keep saying to myself, be patient. The body will
lose the aches and pains, and emotionally, the indescribable abyss will become
something other. Today I meditated on experiencing good health, love and protection.
Sometimes that is the best I can do—and that is OK. The good news is
I am months out of chemo and I believe I’m doing rather well. Some time
ago swirling pools and fine fabrics were what I imagined while deep in nightly
dreams, where twill weaved delicate details with forecasts of the future I
am now finally beginning to recognize. And this is good. Very good. The road
to recovery has been amazing.