Archive of a Breast Cancer Survivor
01.19.05
Female Identity
My physical therapist asked me yesterday how I felt about losing my breast.
Without thinking I answered him, “It’s not an issue, it’s
just a lump of fat,” He told me his mother almost had her breast removed
and she had a difficult time with the thought of losing hers. This morning
after bathing I looked at myself in the mirror and thought of his question
once more. I looked at my nipple-less reconstructed lump that mimics a breast
thought it odd-looking with its scars and patched center. My good breast, swooping
down and moving in the soft manner breasts do had such a good way of shifting
with my body, and then I realized that is how a breast is meant to be. I have
never attached any emotional association to my breast and it’s never
been a problem. I did not grieve for my lost breast. It does not define my
female character, the person I am. And why should it? Why should such an object
be the defining factor in my relation-ship with my female self? A male friend
told me this weekend if he ever had to lose a testicle he would be devastated
as it was his manhood and he would feel a loss. I know every person has a different
relationship to his or her identity but should a lump of fat or a testicle
change the thought of yourself as self? Should the thought of one’s disease
outweigh the external losses such as flesh? As I move into my second round
of chemo this week my thoughts are centered and balanced on simply being able
to eat, and having a day where everything is good, and the sunshine actually
make its way to my face. I feel thankful for the things I have today: an appetite,
eight hours of sleep, and the ability to walk without too much distress. Life
is good, and so is my fake breast sitting round and high without the mark of
a nipple. Life is really good because the essence of my self doesn’t
need to be based on the notion of a female identity, but rather my identity
as an individual, clear and subdued, like the endless horizon of the desert
floor rising silently from dusk into night.